cookouts and such

Normally, I don't do cookouts, but Jess was adament of my being welcome back in 2012, so I went. Awkward not knowing people aside from Jess while everyone else knows Jess from work or from the neighborhood, thus know a handfull of people. Jess has two daughters, one is about B's age. B has been to all three of the Schmidt's Fests I have attended because she likes playing with other girls. I treat the occassion like going to the park. It gives me a focus away from mingling with strangers.
I will never feel comfortable at other people's houses, I guess but I need to try for my children's sake. They need not grow up to be social misfits with their lack of exposure of parental social endevours as a lame excuse.

after busy weekend

Aside from heading into work, making dinner, and scheduling an appointment for our recently purchased vehicle, I didn't accomplish much. Didn't really try. I fed the kids other meals, but I forget myself once.
Never thought I would enjoy driving but the Passat changed that.

why bleach

Anyone from my dorm days could say a number of things about me, and I doubt I could argue. I don't remember stuff beyond conversations with a few people, but the smell of bleach always makes me think of how easy my co-op job was.
I cleaned the bathroom for my floor during most of my two years in the dorm. As part of the reduced boarding rate, everyone there worked in some capacity 5-8 hours a week, supposedly. I never had a scheduled job, so I didn't work by the hour like the office and cafeteria people did. All I had to do was make sure the stuff I had to clean was done before 9pm, and I didn't have a supervisor to make sure my job was done well or done at all.
I had the cleanest bathroom in the whole dorm, I was told by countless people.
See, I was probably the only person that even tried to clean daily. I may have worked an average of 15 minutes a day, but they were efficient minutes. 4 toilets, 4 sinks, and 4 shower stalls stay clean if you are not afraid to use bleach, otherwise mold and such take over very quickly.
I'm essentially doing the same job I had in the dorm, but I clean a carwash. I hate cleaning my house and other things, but I don't mind cleaning for other people willing to pay me. My standards are higher than most, so when I do a meh job by my standards, I get praise. Meh isn't my standard for home and I can't clean to my standard so I just assume not clean, most of the time.
I'm having a good day, thus far. I need to clean though.

pressing reset and mental lapses of time

Most days I lose a few hours in the sense they are wasted idly, as far as I can gather. I'm not dazing or anything, or at least I don't think I'm thinking about anything.
Obviously, I'm an internet junky on various levels, but the internet makes life simpler, right?
I guess I could blame my mind being fragmented by having a five month old whose cries and cues are tripwires to my forward thinking kill switch. Nah. A third child does makes my mind think differently, but I was flawed before D. Actually, my mental lapses started before K was even on the way.
Speaking recently with a friend from the time before J, LSD, I got the notion I need to be challenged more to get de-lulled.
Just wish there were a reset button or something to simplify my being so I could be more efficient. I guess I have lot on my mind that I don't say aloud.
Had a texting spat with J yesterday. She's been mad that I didn't hang in the driveway while she washed our car when I got back from visiting my folks. B ran into my arms, while J didn't move. She ceased spraying the hose long enough to say she didn't know when I'd be home. I got home exactly when I said I would when I last spoke with her, so I figure she doesn't care enough to listen to anything I say. No idea why she thinks washing the car in the driveway is worthwhile considering I WORK AT A CARWASH AND GET THEM FREE, but that would imply that I could take the car to work. J thinks the blue cars will die on the road and leave her stranded, which means she hopes i get stranded, I guess.
AW I went inside the house and sat in the cold a/c of K's room and chilled at his laptop for a few moments. Driving three and a half hours alone on a humid day is not hard, but I had other things on my mind and just wasn't in the mood to stand in the driveway as J hosed down the car. She had D out there. I'd have hugged D, but I would have just put her back down to go inside and do the things one does after a significant drive. D was content in her bouncer. I missed my girls while I was gone. Sure D has a hole in her heart, but she's fine according to the cardiologist as long as she's comfortably eating and gaining weight.
My dad is probably dying. He's not been well for as long as J has known me, so she only knows my dad as the complete jerk he's been as he fights his illness. I sound dreadful, but his brain has warped because he's afraid of dying and is in constant pain. He's like a junky, I guess. He could be an extra in Schindler's List, he's so frail these days.

foggy day

Looking though the tags, I remembered the diaper tracker needed up dated. Got 360 size 2 for $49.98+ $5 giftcard.
AW, I am in discomfort in my neck from car door whipping me and my back because I sleep on couch a few hours at a time.
The saying, " I wish I knew then what I know now," is a stupid thing to think. I am so flawed, but doing things the hard way gives me the ability to appreciate little breaks in my favor.
I hate driving. Dayton is a mess, but today we had fog.

Tired. Meh until whenever.

thoughts on general world of Thursday

I read an article about deer being hunted in a park and said dead deer being fed to the homeless via charities. I am not sure the point of the story's existence. Is it anti-homeless? Is it anti-hunting? Almost get the impression that perhaps the tone would be more uplifting if the park services was hunting the homeless and feeding their carcasses to whatever eats meat in the park(maybe deer? You think I jest but I once saw a squirrel gnawing on a chicken bone on top of a "dumpster" outside Ohio Stadium. I thought nothing of it since the animal looked content, but squirrels aren't known for their chicken loving ways, are they?).

Wednesday recap/ Thursday preview

J was off, so I slept in. I went to the girls' appt, and my day was forgettable aside from my mom calling to tell me an old neighbor died. She was 54, but ceased being our neighbor 30 years ago. She used to watch me on my days off from kindergarten until my mom felt guilty since she wouldn't take money and started making me watch gameshows and soaps at a woman's house who took money. Jan's son would be home in the afternoon from his kindergarten while Shirly's was in the same school as me but on the opposite schedule.
I must have been five a very long time for I remember it better than other years.
J stayed with D throughout the day, so I went to Aldi and Home Depot alone. Spent more than I intended at the latter, but only since I'm not sure I can fix my Toro weed trimmer which spewed gasoline last time I used it. Ryobi has a battery/plug-in hybrid that wasn't hatefully priced.
I was annoyed by the rain getting into my car.
Made tacos for dinner. Took a nap before work. Work went quickly though I did little due the day of rain. Now its bedtime with dread for a repeat of today on Thursday.
Meh.

goals to consider

• Sleep better
• Eat better
• Try to spend an hour of attention to each child daily
• Have an empty sink
• Have a basic schedule to achieve above(organizized)
• Write daily
• Read daily
• Do something nice for J daily
• Stretch and touch toes one day
• Limit internet usage(irony doesn't elude me)

giving up

I've come to the conclusion that freewill is an illusion. That said I will continue to do the things I feel like doing but without the expectation of achieving any intended meaningful purpose to said act. I'm doubling down on apathy. I'm going to coast until I hit a wall or come across something that makes me excited. I'm going to read think like a freak and I'm going to be meh about reading it. I feel it will give me reason to take notes and be a jerk in response to every assumption made by the two. I think that there's a section about using coin flips to make decisions. Hmmmm. I normally don't think of decisions in a yes or no manner.

mehmory block

My self-aborbed life has had a few interruptions. Not sure how I ever managed to be a husband and father. I'm a lousy person when I reflect upon the lack of effort I've put into relationships.
I've reconnected with a friend and I feel things for her in the past couple weeks that I hadn't in the previous fifteen years. Maybe I got burnt out after trying to understand her and when she re-emerged ten years ago I was cold towards her.  We kept in touch with birthday wishes and such, but I didn't recall any of the interaction until getting around to searching my semi-abandoned yahoo account yesterday.
Reading my words to her in '05, '06, '07, '08 & '10, I now sense wonder of whether I wrote the things I wrote, for I don' t recall any of the exchanges. They're my words for I recognize my sentence structure along with the words within, but yet they seem alien to my memories. I was horrid and detached.
I didn't realize how much hurt I felt the last time I saw her in '98. I buried a part of myself that somehow became uncovered after fifteen plus years.
I hated myself for liking her, but now she's back and everything seems different in a good way.

Equifax

Did my annual Equifax credit report today. Had to dispute what they had as my date of birth.

milk is evil

Periodically, I seem to go through a stretch of lactose intolerance. When I had an ice cream cake for my 23rd birthday, I was puzzled by the discomfort. I rarely ate real food that needed to be refrigerated because it was more expensive and went bad too quickly. I drank milk sparingly, while cheese consumption was equally rare beyond a Pizza Hut visit.

I eventually caught on and took a Lactaid before eating stuff with milk. Sometimes I forgot to take the precaution and eventually, I ceased to need the little white pill.

It's been maybe ten years since I had Lactaid, but I've got those familiar feelings of discomfort. I first thought it was related to the fact that I dropped an inch in my pants' waist and drove half a day, but after having the experience correlate with ice cream, pizza, and cereal, I have the suspicion of what ails me.

up all night

Normally, I go to bed around 3am. Today I had been effectively up since 3am until 9am. Breastfed babies eat frequently, so someone has to be up every couple hours or so to feed said babies.

I think that J and I have devised that we share the burden of being on-call, but it's not an equal billing. I didn't get cut open and have regular pain/soreness, and I cannot actually feed D until J starts to pump in the seemingly distant future. What I can do is make sure D actually wants to eat when she awakes, and that J can rest when she's not needed to feed D.

When B woke up after K got on the bus, she wanted to see the baby and/or mom who were both sleeping. B decided to go back to bed, which prompted me to do the same. I got up again in time to get B ready for her bus.

Routine. No such thing exists when you have a newborn. Regardless, I am heading into work tomorrow night.

Surreal Sunday

Been sleeping in a bed for the first time in a year or so. D has been in the pack and play in the main bedroom, so I am triage for her noise making. I can sleep with lights on, and lights are needed on to ensure what exactly is causing D to be awake. She has the tendency to eat every two to four hours and fill her Pampers between feedings. I can't feed her, yet, but i can make sure her bottom is wet or not.

We bought Pampers back when K was a baby, but we were solely Luvs when B was a baby. Luvs are way cheaper, so the fact we bought Pampers back in the day puzzles me aside from perhaps they weren't much more expensive ten years ago. As far as I can tell, Luvs doesn't have a New Born size that will adequately protect D, so Pampers is a logical though expensive choice.

So two nights home after three nights in the hospital makes today feel like a new normal. I was not looking forward to certain elements, but I can't say for sure why I felt reservations now that the now has come.

Since J will be home an extended period of time, we have joined Amazon Prime. Compared to Netflix, we're very disappointed, so we'll probably not go beyond the free trial period. There's too many inconvenient elements when comparing the two Roku 3 channels, that we feel more comfortable with Netflix.

True, "free" two-day shipping from Amazon is nice, but the price difference isn't there when you consider variables like coupons and weekly store sales. Obviously, I could be mistaken, but being married to a like minded person gives me confidence when my reasoning concurred.

Cold, Blue Monday

I don't recall the last time I didn't go outside during a 24 hour period, but that was the case today. Watching the news tonight, they said it was Blue Monday for a number of factors. When I hear that term, I think of Slapstick, by Kurt Vonnegut. I don't need an artificial family, for my wife and kids keep me from feeling lonesome. They were all home today.

K and B didn't have school, so I didn't have to wait at the bus stop. Though it was my day off, I would have gone in if they needed me. Work closed early, so no need for me.

It's to be colder Tuesday, and school is already canceled, but I have to venture out tomorrow. Baby is coming Wednesday, and I need to have stuff set for our trip to the hospital.

One would think with this being our 3rd child, everything would be encore time, but neither previous pregnancy concluded in this manner, and a lot is forgotten after years. I remember when J called me to take her to the hospital when she started labor with K. I remember driving J to the scheduled inducement for B five years later. Some memories are fuzzy and blur between the two, but they were distinctly different deliveries. Neither was breech.

Ohio weather is funny. I think it was cold when K was born. I know it was unseasonably cool when B was born in mid-May for I had long sleeve shirts packed. Should warm up a little by the time #3 comes, but it will still be cold. Hopefully, the kids don't destroy the house while we're gone, for my mother in-law is on the mend though up to keeping them in line a few days. She doesn't need to overexert herself.

too much free time

Not sure where my time goes, but I have a fair share of free time. I used to blog a bit in hopes of filling content that could lead to pageviews and thus revenue from AdSense clicks.  Nothing worthwhile came of the blah. I have moments when I review stuff I wrote and wonder about its origins. If I consumed alcohol or other mindbenders, I'd be better able to explain my lack of memory or the fact that I've had reoccurring thoughts that I never acted upon.

My wife is nine months pregnant with our third child, and I find myself thinking I don't remember being around doing the previous two pregnancies aside from conception and delivery. I have reasons for my aloofness, but they are silly. I was trying to not feel the pain I felt when we had a miscarriage.

I love my children and appreciate them more given that we suffered the loss. I am hardly the best I can be, and I have not settled for being a second rate husband and father, yet I have my blah days where I am on cruise control of selfish interests of isolation.

It's Christmas, and I can safely say my Christmases as an adult have been better than those I had prior to my meeting J. Life is too short not to appreciate each moment, yet I find myself reflecting here. I suppose that it could be worse, like playing video games, watching sports, or another mindless thing that is like empty caloric consumption.

Just a reminder to myself that blog entries should exist reflecting upon AAA tow truck drivers, ImproveIt repairmen, random mouse in the house, reconstituting the crib, Garmin GPS failure, Skinny Dip, Richard Zacks, FM/AM radio failure, Mazda5s, letter of apology from CENLAR, and seeing family after 5 years  as though nothing happened to cause an estrangement.

Last thought of tonight: When I was at work the other night, the kids there had skateboards. I remember when skating wasn't cool.  

Monday- a day to ponder weekend events

*When I got work on Saturday, the shift manager told me that our assistant manager had given his two weeks. I was shocked. Sure, the guy was a horrible person in that he treated people poorly and couldn't fix anything, but he was the sort of guy that seemed to have plans to move up.
Since I started in January, ALL of my four supervisors have resigned. This latest dude was the one I'd have figured to have left first until the other three left allowing him to move up the pecking order.

Weirdest thing is that it's rumored that he doesn't have another job lined up.

*Saturday was a long day. It started earlier than normal with my be up and on the go with K to the camping grounds. I'm glad we didn't spend the night. Their breakfast was burnt and they only had instant coffee. 

After being there 6 hours, I was bored and tired. K was wanting to leave before we arrived so just putting forth the effort was something to be considered positive.

*I think I napped when I got back from Cub Scouts, but I don't remember.

*B spent the night with her grandparents since J was at work and I didn't feel B would be fun to bring camping.

I really missed B. Thankfully she came back before I left for work.

*Sunday, I slept until noon and got moving around 12:30. didn't feel up to doing anything but I forced myself to mow the grass and to get some necessities from Kroger. 

J baked an apple pie. I love her. Pie is something that reminds me of how lucky I am, but I count my blessings regularly.

*I did other things, but I don't recall. I do know that I didn't watch any football or baseball.

Sleep quest, Day 2

Okay, I should have went to bed sooner than 3, but it's when I got to it. Set my alarm for 7:30am, and still felt lousy. I need more than 4.5 hours of sleep. Of course shooting to go to bed sooner doesn't seem to be a big deal with not needing to get up for K and his school bus.

In search of the perfect sleep amount

I get home around 1:30am, and I feel like sleeping maybe around 3am. Woke up at 7am today since K went back to school. I felt lousy and the rest of the day blurred until K arrived home around 4pm.

I need to figure out a way to get sleep without it interfering with my obligations. I need more than 4 hours.

Pictures

I was looking through pictures to see if I had an idea of when I got the Pumas that were recently replaced. I looked through a lot of pictures and there are few which show my feet. Earliest I can pinpoint was during a trip to Pittsburgh in July '10. My shoes were at least three years old when they were retired to lawnmowing duties.

It's odd looking at pictures of things that change over time. K and B have grown so much and have grown through so many shirts and dresses. Hard to think of time passing quickly, but my clothes that got holes live in those pictures. I am actually smiling in a bit of those pics. Usually I'm holding a little K or B. Hard not to be happy when with them, for they are always busy.

B wasn't happy with me Tuesday when we left the park. She wanted to stay. She fought me as I carried her. She's big enough to put up a fight. Hard to think that I'm going to be a father again. Something about babies makes me feel hopeful. Babies are full of love in the simplest form, at least the ones I have been around.