free will is an illusion?

Did you see this article? The opening is such:

The concept of free will could be little more than the result of background noise in the brain, according to a recent study.

It has previously been suggested that our perceived ability to make autonomous choices is an illusion – and now scientists from the Center for Mind and Brain at the University of California, Davis, have found that free will may actually be the result of electrical activity in the brain.

children of suicides

Anyone who has known me within the past century could probably name a couple of the 4 public figures that make me believe free will is possible. All four have written books. One killed his wife playing William Tell 27 years before I was born. One was nearly shot to death by a lesbian who wrote an obscene play. One survived the bombing of Dresden. The only one still living has been fired 7 times, but now is his own boss and can't be fired.
Anyways, one of them had his mother commit suicide while he was an adult but before he had a family. He also lost his sister prematurely and raised several of her children as his own. Sad, I guess. He didn't have any villians in his books. My "friend from Chicago," who also is a child of a suicide,  thinks or at least thought I based my initial career path on one of this fellow's novels. Hmmm... I never read any of his books until I had already switched majors, so the coindence is more intriguing, don't you think?
I am deliberately being vague, my dear gentle reader, but only because I am hurt at the thought that I lack empathy as though I'm retarded and shoot guns randomly out my bedroom window indifferent as to whether I kill a pregnant woman or not because my gun nut dad used to pal about with a slacker artist who thought he could rule the world...
Sorry, that book was nothing to do with me, but I can internalize sadness for I have felt the pain of losing loved ones though not my parents or sibling, but those who meant more to me nonetheless.

hiatus of another sort

Still feeling sad about nt having a pc. Laptop and nook don't feel natural to me in that shifting is an after thought. Maybe myhands are failing me? They don't hurt or have numbness, yet they don't feel normal. I've my 6 month appt with fp in a month, might get a referral for the ct.
I need to refrain from garbage like overusing nook and laptop for they're stunting my flow of thought with an obsessive nature.
Still trying to figure out where I m in the big picture of things. I waste my  commodity  of time as though I am worthless.
Typing isn't enjoyable at the moment. I need to busy doing things though my mind is pondering what I wish I could be typing.
I look forward to dying for I know typing will be the least of my concerns, just gotta kill time with fun memories between now and my end, I guess.

pain and other odd things

Something about getting six or more hours of rest seems to be the difference between today and yesterday. Sure my hands hurt and typing isn't smooth, but I don't have the burning between my shoulder blades, nor the void autopilot feeling in my head.

Having friends is a struggle for me. Being a social misfit/ social retard has amplified my idiosyncrasies into quirkiness that I am mostly oblivious. K has a lot of my traits, hence he's in Cub Scouts.

Scouting has been good for my interactions as well. Odd thing happened at the Pack Meeting last night in that a dad I speak to most often commented a) I was tan and b) I am "cut"

Felt awkward.

See, I don't get out much and I don't work out what-so-ever, hence the above is odd. Only explanation: a) On Sunday, I dug up and planted arborvitae while it was warm and sunny. b) I have a physically demanding job and I usually have layers on since we don't meet much during late spring and summer.

Though I seem to have a lot of free time, I don't allot it well to be doing fun stuff with the kids. It's been a long winter, hopefully I get into a better frame of mind and seize more days than let pass by, as the weather gets better and such.

reflecting upon racist things

Oprah Winfrey supposedly was the victim of racism last month when she was shopping for a handbag that costs more than the average domestic automobile.

From what I read, I didn't see anything particularly racist in the actions of the salesperson. If anything, Oprah comes off as an "ugly American." There she was in a foreign country acting like she owned the place and not letting the salesperson do her thing.  Oprah obviously misinterpreted the events thus chalked up her frustration with a white woman as a blatant act of racism.

I recall being upset when I was at Target and not having my 90 day scripted re-filled by a pharmacist that said it was expensive and only filled 30 days. I remember being offended that the pharmacist would suggest that I couldn't afford a prescription I have been buying for about ten years. It wasn't a race thing. Just a fact that the Pharmacist didn't fill my script as called in without calling back to say as to why I wouldn't have my full script.

Oprah is entitled to do whatever she wants with her money, but she should keep her shopping exploits to herself for it comes off as bragging about her vast wealth she could be spending on others than herself.

I know that I could think of a million different things I would do with $38K before I spent it on fashionable accessories.

there is no try

I am my own worst enemy. Rather than thinking about things, I need to do things. It would seem that whenever I try to accomplish something with forethought, things fall apart. Everything "good" that I have accomplished has been the result of dumb luck, or the exact opposite of what I was initially seeking at least.

Ironic that it would seem that free will is a curse, huh?

364 days later

Today marks the last day of the year that has been ramblings and meanderings here. I remember 4/18/12 like yesterday. I was unhappy. Not as annoyed as I most recently was with Menards.
A number of uneventful things have occurred, but yet I can vividly recall such inane moments in time. Perhaps I shall revisit those stale posts and fix them into a certain standardization, if I feel inclined to do such things. The first 50 or so things were written in a manner to add original contact to get approval for an Adsense account. Probably won't since my spacial sense of time has gotten out of whack.

I woke up yesterday morning thinking it was Saturday.

I need to focus on the things that are important and to make them my priority. TV isn't going anywhere as I tell K with regards to DVDs and Netflix, same can be said for the clutternet.

New Year's resolutions should be season dependent and flexible throughout the year, even though they boil down to being the same vague notions that seem unobtainable to the likes of me. I just have to raise the bar and focus on the tasks and forget about the big picture like Mathew Scudder's AA meetings have taught me.

• read more
• manage time better with regards to priorities
• engage with the family better
• eat better
• be more active
• appreciate the little things and become at peace with the things beyond my control

Wednesday, finally a day that starts before eleven.

It's 9am, and I'm up. B is now up and watching Bubble Guppies, but I was shaved before she did. Once I'm shaved, I'm not going back to sleep. I did get up on my own with a bit of a start, about 6 minutes before my alarm to get K ready went off. Had a weird dream feeling that I now can't recall, so I wasn't quite sleepy when I made sure K had his breakfast and lunch ready. Sure, I went back to bed, but I really don't need to be up until a half hour later. Besides, I can't stand watching SpongeBob. K always watches dvds in the morning, and I'm usually not in the mood. After my half-hour back in bed, I was more alert and shaved.

Parallels

There are things beyond my control that will frustrate me until I am able to accept such circumstances and worry about things I can control.
I believe that the Serenity Prayer is a re-occurring theme in Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. It's been years since I read the book, but I remember the prayer being written on a locket dangling in the cleavage of the B-movie star. Pictures/drawings makes such images easier to recall, and KV had a way with crude drawings. I didn't know there was such thing as such a prayer until an alcoholic told me that the prayer was said during AA meetings. This makes sense since K's uncle supposedly founded an AA chapter, and K was always intrigued by the artificial extended family element that AA created.
Anyways, given the nature of the Serenity Prayer, one must wonder how much free will is one allowed to fret.
I can pick my friends, but I cannot pick my family.
I can pick my degree of education, but I can't force someone to hire me.
I am frustrated that I cannot get work, so I pursue things outside my typical field in addition to expanding my geographic search. I still meet the same result of going no where, which suggests that I'm still doing the same thing and expecting different results. I'm doing a number of things differently, so I'm thinking I need to scrap everything I've worked towards and start over.
The reality is that I'm not comfortable starting over. I've a skill set and degree that already makes me overqualified for most entry level positions, and I've been passed over because employers don't want to hire someone that will up and leave for greener pastures at first opportunity.
When I was an infant, my mom quit her teaching job. I am not sure of the reasons, but I take it that she wasn't comfortable with childcare arrangements. She never got another full time teaching position until I was in college. She always tried to get another job even while I was a toddler, but the best she could do was be a long term sub. Not sure why, especially considering she was a special ed teacher, but we lived on a single income for the most part when you consider my father is a teacher as well.We could have moved to another job market, but my dad didn't want to lose his seniority.
I don't want to be like my parents and willfully inflicting harm upon my children out of selfishness of being determined to work within my field without moving.

Living Well in a Down Economy

Going to the dentist is a pain to some, but I like going for it gives me a chance to talk with people.

Our regular hygienist has two girls  and a husband that has been between jobs a bit. Her husband has a temp job now but its 90 miles away. Rather than commuting daily, he has an apartment.

This situation is a scenario J and I have discussed. You do what you have to do, and sometimes situations makes sense to change your mindset.

Just being open-minded doesn't mean an opportunity will present itself.

Just have to stay positive and think about the things that we have control over.

In the grand scheme of things, happiness is obtainable if you want to be happy. Worrying gives rise to preparation, but worrying for the sake of worrying is senseless. If Plan A doesn't work then go with Plan B. As long as contingency plans are based on reality and are goal oriented towards the same general result then progress will happen regardless of the small episodes of failure along the way through the process of elimination.

Is there a fate worse than death? Worrying about such things surely ranks up there, which makes me wonder why there are atheists in the world. I puzzle about a number of things, but I don't worry about them enough to desire reasons based on whimsy. Regardless of the causality, things happen for a reason, and I try to go in the direction I am meant to go. Situations present themselves and circumstances dictate which path I follow. Dumb luck happens, but preparation helps nudge one to be in the right place at the right time. It's easy to regret decisions in hindsight, but regret is wasted energy unless a lesson is learned.

Moments of blah

Calling "blah" a "rut" is one thing but doing something about it is another thing that gets redundant.

Being cheery is not my MO. Not saying I'm surly or overtly moody, but I have my moments of frustration so I have guarded optimism as my standard modus operandi.

I am not outright afraid of failure, I just don't want to wander into realms I'm not familiar and potentially damage prospects before having proper insight into proceeding towards new endeavors.

Again, I'm a cautious explorer rather than running into things like a modern Don Quixote.

Good intentions mean little when the only things in life that matter are results.

I've had a lot of failure with regards to pursuing gainful employment. I've changed my game plan over the years, but my results aren't getting much better. 

I try not to get hung up on things beyond my control. Life isn't always fair, but life is what you make of it.

I am very fortunate to have the wonderful family that I have. Circumstances being what they are, I have no regrets for I already have all that I truly need.

It's easy to feel underwhelmed by the commercialization of life as depicted on television. Television isn't real, but rather it is pulp fiction derived from concentrated perception of happiness of the most shallow variety.
Regardless of the image quality, television is nothing beyond two-dimensional when it comes to emotional depictions due to the detached voyeur element of being a non-participating viewer.

Social media has come to fill that void in some ways, but what has come of it?

Having a blah day

Not saying I am bored or anything, but I've been feeling less than motivated of late. Could be I'm neglecting to take my vitamins regularly, or my thyroid is not happy with me. Who knows?

Dogs days of June, I guess. Baseball season has been filled with ups and downs, and I'm a junky. I can't give it up. I can give up Camels and Bass, but following well compensated athletes, I can't.

Something wrong with following sports when there's much more that is actually important to be accomplished.

I guess that all commercials placed during sporting events are dead giveaways as frivolous wastes of personal income for anyone watching such things knows how to waste time and money to be "entertained" without giving a second thought.

I gave up tv in that I feel no desire to watch things that eventually are available on DVD.

Just have to figure out how to stop being consumed by the radio and internet time bandit. If I sleep through such things, they will still happen without my needing to know about them when they occur. Infovegan concepts transferred towards productive activities that have gainful results beyond the lull of blah when the fix of following a winner doesn't manifest itself in real time and sputters in a numbness of frustration. If only I could program myself like a robot.

Friending Grandma

Facebook 101: Seniors learn to use the social network

She's one of a growing number of seniors joining Facebook to connect with grandchildren and former pals. Now, classes that teach the basics of Facebook are popping up.

I'm a 33, and I am a married adult with kids of which I'm proud. With that said, I wouldn't friend my Grandma J if she were alive. Definitely would not have friended her when I was in college or younger.

I still cringe when I think of being at Big Boy and hearing her say "masturbation" with regards to her catching an episode of the formerly hip show, Seinfeld.

I loved my grandparents, but they were old school family values Republicans.

I'm so glad social media and cheap cellphone plans didn't exist when I was in college. Life was simpler without 24/7 need to know constant contact.

Not a Perfectionist, but I worry about doing things correct the first time.

Just realized a month has gone by since I started re-doing my kitchen floor.

What have I been doing? I have probably been doing everything the hard way, but I don't have a flooring background.

Sure I tiled our half bath a few years after we moved into the house, but the kitchen is six times bigger and I had help from my father in-law who is a tool person. I recall it took us a day to tile, but I don't recall how long I spent removing the flooring and preparing the surface. I do know it was easier since the laminate was glued squares that pealed without needing to have the glue scraped. J and I never used the bathroom since the toilet was broken, so it didn't get any traffic. We had 8" tiles that my father in-law laid. I did all of the cuts based on his markings. I did all of the grout after he left. Didn't have to wait for the adhesive to cure since it was mastic/grout premix. We also didn't use spacers. The tiles just butted up to one another. Didn't have a sink or toilet to work around either since those came later.

Kitchen tiles are 16" so the cuts are trickier and spacers are needed. Have large appliances and cabinets that create  slight obstacles. Hands and back ached from scraping for prolonged periods, so I couldn't work on the floor as frequently as I would have liked. The kitchen is a high traffic area, so I could only work when people weren't going to bother me.

Horrible excuses, but they add up when you consider I did all of the scraping, cutting, and tiling. It looks like I'll do all of the grouting as well.

I make it sound as though J hasn't helped, but she's been there most of the time. She help spacing the tiles as we determined where to place whole tiles. She handed me whole tiles when I was gluing them, so that I didn't have to move around so much. She also kept K and B busy so that I could focus on the job. Finally, she's helped in that she's not complained.

That last item may seem inappropriate, but in the sense that I fret over minute details, it's nice having her say it's looking good.

J is pretty good about letting me do things without being in the way. Just like when we drove to Florida, I did all of the driving but I didn't have to worry about anything aside from road, since I had her navigating and appeasing the not so pleasant K and B. J also prepped drinks, tacos, sandwiches, and Twizzlers so I could keep my eyes on the road and my hands upon the wheel.

The drive down was broken up with us staying the night in Georgia, but we didn't stop on the way home. It's not fun driving through the Carolinas at night. Not sure why the Garmin had us take I95 home when we took I75 down, but who am I to second guess a GPS with live traffic updates?

Just like the trip to Disney made for having memories to cherish, having a beautiful floor for years will be what I will enjoy soon enough. Aches and pains are dulled when you have long term happiness overshadow short term misery.

Praise from the in-laws

K&B were picked up by the in-laws for a family gathering J couldn't attend, so they got to see the progress made on the kitchen. They commented that it looked good and that I could have done it sooner.

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Wednesday, a day for rest.

I intended to work on the tiling today, but my back said it needed a rest. Been in a funk from stooping the last few weeks, now with the end in sight, I need not rush it.

I'm not what I used to be, but I have my moments.

Thinking back to the days of being within an 54' trailer and unloading for 90 minutes straight, five days a week, I know that I could do things without feeling pain the next day. (I only remember one day of waking up too sore to move and I called off.)


The thing is, I got paid the same as if I was on the line where I could stand around BS and drink coffee. I only got in the trailer so I had leverage to get more hours. I had a schedule that worked around J's so that I could be home with baby K. No one said anything to me about it, I just requested the days off weekly and I got them while having a full-time schedule. I usually got Wednesday off since we didn't get trucks Wednesday and Sunday. I worked every Sunday for two straight years. I liked Sundays, I worked mostly alone.


I don't miss working retail, but it was work that I didn't have to think about while home. I didn't have to think much while working, either. It was pretty simple and cut and dry what needed done. I always longed to be done and to go home. I had a lot more energy since I never sat during the workday or stared at a PC, so I got a lot of the initial remodeling done on the house during that time.

Aside from the back, my mind has been mush looking at things online.

Internet speed has greatly reduced my overall productivity. Information is compiled as such a rate that I should be come an infovegan or at least give up following sports. Watching overpaid athletes is a waste of time, but yet so hard to give up.

Being nostalgic, reminds me of my dad saying he worked every summer when he first started teaching. He never worked in the summer as long as I can remember. Hopefully, K and B will have a memory or two me actually fixing something. I believe that B will definitely remember my orthopedic procedures to reattach limbs to her dolls.

The closer I get to finishing the tiling, I think about what will be next. Of course, the more work I do, the more inclined I am to feeling the house could be marketable. We need more room for our cars, and Ohio hasn't been a great place for me to find work.

FACEBOOK FREEFALL CONTINUES...

What exactly made anyone think that Facebook stock would be a good buy?

• Was it the free games?
• Was it the free means to keep in touch with old flames just in case your marriage got irreconcilable?
• Was it the success of Myspace?

Seriously, it makes money on advertising and selling its users' information for market research. What else does it sell?

I only saw Obama For America ads blanket the site of late, and people aren't fond of their info being used for marketing. Maybe I'm missing something since I only see Facebook as a fad, but something must be wrong in Menlo Park, right?

What's driving people to use it? 

• Cyberstalking? 
• Farmville?
• Chat features that AOL used LAST CENTURY?

 I don't know, since there are plenty of sites out there that do things better than Facebook does, which makes Facebook seem to be a fad. Myspace was better for blogging and sharing music, if I remember correctly, but it turned ghetto once everyone caught on to its existence. Now it's a punchline: Facebook is for people you know. Twitter is for people you wish you knew. Myspace is for people you wish you didn't know.

Facebook simply peaked prior to its IPO, so it had no where to go, but down unless it bought up/merged with Yahoo and Microsoft to compete against Google.

Mergers don't exactly work all the time as AOL/Timer-Warner clearly indicated.

The IPO made sense for Facebook, because it needed capital to grow/develop beyond its current rut.

• It costs a lot to run servers to allow up to 900 million users access to their online Facebook content.
• Facebook has a number of issues with hackers, so they have to prevent outside parties from invading their servers. 

Off course, I'm just saying what is on my mind regarding the subject, so who am I to say it was a bad buy or not? All I remember about first learning about stock is from looking at the daily paper as a kid. I liked Coke and McDonalds, but the stocks never did a whole lot from my vantage point since they were big and established companies that stayed about the same + or - a few cents. They mostly went down day to day when I looked, so I figured just because I liked their products that I didn't need to own a piece of the company.

Stock Market needs to be taught in basic high school education. People need to understand how corporations are developed and structured. Some people assume things about the market since they see how successful people get rich quick and young, so they relate the markets to playing the lotto or outright thievery. They get involved for the wrong reasons, and nothing good comes of their endeavor..

Life is a guessing game

One thing about having freewill is that nothing is completely predictable.
Supposedly we are born as the result of someone's choosing to have a child. We don't get to pick our birth arrangements, so the upbringing is up to chance. No two childhoods are the same it seems since there are so many variables from family size, education, income, social class, and geographic location to name a few.
We grow up learning what we like and don't like. We try to obtain the things we desire, and we pursue the things that interest us. Variables dictate a lot of things but for the most part the true factors are individualized.

No one made me go to college. I had nothing better to do that was reasonable. My parents both had degrees, and my brother went to school.
I wanted to be something in the mold of a wanderer, like a daydream out of Salinger's most famous work. I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do for a living. I just wanted to write nonsense and watch people. A buddy of mine was in South America when I was finishing high school, so I had an opportunity to do the Butch Cassidy thing and run away from almost everyone that knew me.
Starting fresh with a new life was so appealing, but I chickened out. Being newly out of high school is when you go to college. Sure you can flunk out but if you don't go when you are young and dumb, then the odds are that you won't make the effort down the road when you have adult obligations.

Going to college is expressway to adulthood for sheltered people. No one made me wake up in the morning or to go to bed at night. No one forced me to eat. No one forced me to go to church.
I had to open a checking account since carrying cash was stupid and debit cards didn't exist. I remember having temp checks that no one wanted to accept like no one wanted to accept my American Express Travelers Cheques when I was photo ID-less in Merida, Mexico.
I remember being offered credit cards every time I walked to class. My first credit card was to Sears and I had never shopped at Sears. My phone rang while I was trying to sleep(it was finals week), and I said, "Sure, I live at 1978 Cannon Drive..." to get them to stop interrupting my sleep. Never used the card, so I closed it five years later when I realized I had 20 credit cards that I never used.

No one made me choose a major. I chose what seemed to be best suited for my skills but changed my mind when I decided that I didn't want to kill people as a result of my indifferent about my work. I changed my path until I saw a major that made sense, so I punted for grad school. Any degree was needed for grad school, so I pursued the easiest thing I could, English literature. Being able to write and read is something anyone with a pulse can due well enough to pass. Seriously, if you can't BS, the you have no business living.

Long story short, I made a lot of decisions that seem trivial, but in the grand scheme of things, they paved the way for my current state of happiness. Nothing is perfect for there's so much to do still, but having a wonderful family and home is something I don't take for granted. Jobs come and go. I have faith that what will be, will be. In the meantime, I work on the things I can control like tiling my kitchen floor.