The Big C

I remember the first time I heard her speak. I remember the first time I spoke with her. I remember what she was wearing.
Was it love at first sight? Hardly, it was the first day of grad school, and things stick out when you start a new chapter in your life. J was probably the only person in that class that was remotely my age and with the same undergrad degree. She wasn't much of a talker, and she didn't linger to talk.
Not sure what I expected of grad school, but at 21, I figured I would be much younger than most "peers" would be. Not wanting to be obviously the youngest, I grew a beard. 
I never approached her again until a month or so later when she was talking to a couple of our classmates about not needing help home. She had sprained her ankle and was on crutches, and each had offered to drive her home. I spoke up that I could walk her home. 
I remember the hill from school to her apartment. I think we later dubbed it "death hill." I think I carried some things for her, I don't recall, but I know we talked the way the there. I think I did most of the talking and that I talked a while after we got to her place. She gave me a stare at one point which indicated that I probably talked too long.
I had lived in a 12 by 12 room alone and hadn't had a conversation in a few months that I think I unloaded a lot about nothing. I vaguely remember being conscious of not starting any subsequent conversation with her, so there may have been a mild awkwardness on my part given the stare she had given. 
Not sure if I walked her home again while she was on crutches, but I know that we talked enough that she talked me into seeing Little Nicky with her since she didn't want to see it alone. 
It was a Friday and the theater was busy with kids running around, when we were in line. We decided to see the later showing that ended after midnight, and the cashier assumed we were together and gave me two tickets when I bought mine. It wasn't a date, so I figured J would pay me back by buying me beer which we got before we returned for our showing. I was rather buzzed during the movie, and when she dropped me off at my apartment I was surprised by her asking me if our evening together was a "date." 
Up until that moment, I hadn't thought of it as such, but I figured WTH, and leaned into the car to kiss her.

Nothing I had done to that point was planned. I just followed the lead of others and found myself later over thinking things. We were on a break when we'd be up all night IMing, then circumstances brought us together upon the next term that an epiphany struck me that I wanted to have a family with J. Not sure why she agreed to marry me, but she had picked out a ring which I promptly bought before either of our parents knew their child was in a relationship.

I know why I never told my parents about J until I had to tell them. I didn't want their opinion. 
I've had a pretty detached relationship with my parents. My dad has been "dying" from CIDP since being diagnosed in 2001. The fact that he has been beyond the stage capable of full recovery has made my feeling sympathy for his pain muted. He should have been diagnosed with CIDP sooner, but he stuck with his doctors' opinion that his knee giving out was due to needing a meniscus transplant, which was a procedure his insurance didn't cover. By the time he saw the specialist, he could tell my dad wasn't a candidate due to muscular atrophy from a disease like MS or ALS.
My dad has been saying for months that he thinks he may have cancer because of spots that showed up on something, probably an x-ray, of his kidney. Today he tells me that they say it's actually cancer.
Of course my dad is scared of cancer, but after the progressive destruction done by his CIDP and the drugs used to treat his condition, I feel that cancer isn't the worst thing. Cancer can be treated with an outcome that is improved or death rather than the status quo or death.
If he needs a kidney and it would make everything better, I have one to lend him, but he's not a candidate for any transplants given his declining health from an AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE.
I hope that my children have a better opinion of me when I'm elderly than that I have of my father.