doubts

I feel like I won't see my dad outside of a hospital again alive. He's been ill long enough that I've seen him in bad shape before a couple times, but he's usually not sedated this long. In May, he perked up after he got visitors and seemed aware of things more so than now. In November of '10, he recovered from pneumonia after being in ICU on a ventilator a few days.
Both of those times, I doubted he'd walk again, but he did. The May bout was weirdly long and took him until September to get into a rehab facility. I drove him to his new home from said facility just a couple months before he broke his hip. This setback is just mind blowing given his hip may never be used given he's bedridden with infections.
Yesterday, I was there with my mom during his trachea and PEG surgery, but I've only seen him asleep since.
Tonight, I spoke with my brother and told him that I don't want anyone to see our dad in this condition when he asked if I wanted him out here. Hard to convey how sad it makes me. I don't agree with much of my father's worldview, but he's still my dad. All of his shortcomings aside, he's not a bad man and meant well.
He did a number of things that were insanely selfish, but he didn't know better. It's almost like he never matured beyond college.
I am not much of a father or husband in that I feel I have much room for improvement, but I wonder if I'm wrong in my thinking. Am I at my peak or have already peaked? I just want so much for my kids to not be miserable like I was.
I had my share of dark thoughts, but I had the will to not do anything rash. I bided my time until I was old enough to leave. I didn't want to look back, but I stayed tethered for the most part until I met J. Feeling love of the sort I felt for J made me feel like living forever, or at least bring life into this world.
I was contently on cruise control to an early grave. Cliche as it sounds, love conquers almost anything.